Monday, 26 January 2015

Expecting, but not expecting.

So I took a pregnancy test last Sunday which came back positive and by the Thursday I was bleeding. I wasn't planning on having another baby so soon, but for those few days I already kind of connected to the clump of cells supposedly growing inside my uterus (as reffered to by my doctor). I had already begun to mentally prepare myself for being a mother to four children. I had already begun to seriously declutter and make plans to reshuffle the kids room around around and invest in a 7 seater car. I already told family and close friends.








The sound of the receptionists voice on the phone while I was booking in for my ultrasound was not very hopeful when I told her "i'm 6 weeks and 5 days but I am experiencing some bleeding."

"Oh."

It doesnt take long for my mind to go for a run bolt.
What if i hadn't carried that heavy bag when I took the rubbish out?
What if I napped more?
What if my almost 2 year old bounced a little too hard on my belly that morning?
What if the iron supplements I was taking weren't a good idea?

Stop. Just stop Sarah.

I believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad. Could this be a sign that I need to value and take care of myself more? Could this be my cue to get more rest and drop some commitments? Could this be my time to end being a martyr? Could this be a sign to learn to say no the others and be a little selfish and say yes to me? Could this prompt my husband to be more helpful around the house and with the kids?

Either way, this baby hadn't even developed a heartbeat, yet my heart was already making room for its pending presence. This baby hadn't even developed limbs yet my arms were ready to embrace you for hours on end. This baby was already so loved. Am I meant to just carry on like nothing happened? I mean what happenend?? What went so horridly wrong?
Lessons learned: love myself as much as I love others. I am important, too. It is NOT my fault. Be grateful for the amazing children you already have, they really are a miracle. Things happen, this is an opportunity for growth.




MaternityMondays

Mami 2 Five

Step 19,

12 comments:

  1. Lovely post, and I am so sorry for your loss xx

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  2. Oh no - I am so sorry :( Of course it wasn't your fault, but I know what you mean when you say that you think of awful things. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it broke me. It was the hardest thing to deal with. I'd planned (in my head) the nursery, how I would tell people, and picked names. I haven't any advice except that I know it took me a long time to move on, and I definitely felt as though other people didn't understand. Thanks for sharing this on #sundaystars - I am sure there are many women who have been in the same position as us. Hugs and take care, Jess x

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  3. Oh I am so sorry. It was not at all your fault and these things just happen, there is nothing you could have done, but it is easy to say that and I can understand how you feel. No matter how much you try not to get your hopes up in early pregnancy, it happens and of course you will grieve the loss. Take care of yourself lovely and give yourself time xx thanks for linking with #MaternityMondays xx

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  4. I am so sorry i can't even imagine how you feel, sending hugs x

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  5. I am so sorry that your happy news ended this way. I'm glad to read you are finding strength in your positives, ie your children, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Sending love x

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  6. I am so sorry, you can't ever blame yourself, sending love xxx

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  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have had two missed miscarriages both at 10 weeks and it is tragic. You do question everything and blame yourself. But you can't do that. You need to be kind to yourself. You are so important and special. But you also have to allow yourself to feel. You will feel empty and numb but eventually you will see the sky clearing and you will find your rainbow. Take care of yourself. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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  8. So sorry for your loss. Never blame yourself for this, I don't have any kinder words than those above, but please be kind to yourself. xx #sundaystars

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  9. No. It is not your fault. This little life was much more than a clump of cells. (I think it was uncaring of the doctor to refer to the baby as such.) The little body may have been underdeveloped, but it was a human life. It was your child. The loss of which is worthy of being mourned. Prayers for you. xxx

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss I cannot imagine what you are going through. I think that your 'lessons learned' are really important, take care of yourself.

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  11. Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so easy to feel alone at these times. I felt foolish for the overwhelming feeling of loss I felt when I miscarried at 9 weeks with an unplanned 3rd child. It took a long time for me to heal emotionally. Like you said though, it does make me realise how precious my two munchkins are and how grateful I am to have been blessed with them.

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